Guide to Becoming a Grownup

Welcome to Julia’s internet self-help guide for new big kids on pretending to fit in with the other big kids.

Ready for adulthood? Me neither. Great! Let’s get started.

Today’s question comes from my brain.

Dear Julia,
What’s the first step to fitting in with other grownups?
Love, Julia.

Well, Julia the first step of fitting into anything is to pretend you already do. Next time you’re at family dinner, you don’t wait to be seated at the big kids’ table. You move your name place from that tiny fold out card table with the bulky plastic chairs and smack it down with purpose next to a wine glass and say, “I’d like a scotch on the rocks with a twist, Betty,” to your aunt (which is what Monica drinks on Friends so you know it’s a real drink) because adults do things with purpose and confidence (Also don’t be nervous about the rocks. They’re probably not real rocks).

To fit into a grownup’s natural habitat, you must perfect the art of blending. Repeat after me: To blend is to pretend. Over and over. That’s your new mantra for adulting. Applied to a situation, it works like this… You’re at a party and adults are talking about adult stuff. You must now conform your conversation to match their adulting. Kim might say “I am so disappointed in the candidates for presidents this year,” and you must blend. Saying you like someone will isolate you from adults. You must pretend to dislike. Even take it up a notch. Be even grumpier about the presidential election (adults like grumpy people).

Now, if your first attempt at adulting fails, just go home and continue binge watching Netflix. Because adults are mean, and OITNB is not.