My New Year's Resolution

 

When I was thirteen years old, my New Year's Resolution List consisted of two things:

First was to have a boyfriend, and the second was to lose 15 pounds.  At that time, I was just developing feminine hips and a chest, and I was utterly horrified.  All of my friends wore A cups, bought size zero jeans and had boyfriends on the football team. I was so embarrassed by the fact that I hadn't had my first kiss, was wearing size 5 jeans and in my head, was chunky in the middle.

When I showed a family friend the list I made, they told me I would whither away to nothing if I weighed any less than I did. I was about 5'4" at the time and was around 100 pounds. Going by a generic BMI calculator, I was a little underweight already. Yet, I was still significantly wider than most of my friends, and anyone larger was laughed at and called fat behind their backs.  I never wanted to be the kind of person to be laughed at, so I made it a plan to stay skinny and try to get skinnier. 

 

When I was 15 years old, I had my first boyfriend and I was very athletic and thin.  I was 5'6" and weighed around 115 pounds.  My measurements were 35''25''35'' which, I was told, was the perfect measurements for a women. I thrived for moments when I was told how thin I looked, and I was devastated when that boyfriend of mine would tell me I was looking a little chunkier than usual.

After the wake of my first heartbreak, I was convinced, like most teenage girls, that the world was coming to an end.

 

 

Here are a few pictures from that summer.

 

 

I really hate these pictures.

This girl was so sad and so reliant on other peoples' opinions to be happy.  I remember one time at a synchronized swimming competition, I was very nervous for my performance.  My coach came up to me and said "Don't be worried, you look great.  You're so skinny." At the time it did give me a little bit of a pep in my step.  But the person I am now is disgusted that those were the best words of advice I could've been given, and that I had accepted them as encouragement.

 

Before my breakup with this boy, I had two really huge competitions in Seattle for a week, and then Hawaii for a week and a half.  In Seattle, while sight-seeing, my team and I took tons of happy pictures together, and I looked really excited and glad to be with my friends.  This boy wasn't too pleased.  He had claimed that I couldn't possibly love him if I was having so much fun without him, so when I went to Hawaii, I made a point to look much less happy, never really smile my fullest, or avoided pictures altogether.

 

The rest of the summer, I wasted away and became thinner and thinner, and progressively less happy...

 

By my senior year of high school, I had gained almost 40 pounds.  I was not nearly as athletic, I ate too much pasta, and was called fat a lot more, but I was so much happier.  I taught myself to love my body, and enjoy my feminine curves that I wished away so many times. I realized that no one should dictate my happiness.

 

I am so beautiful.  Too many people think that's a conceited notion, to think of yourself as pretty, or sexy, or anything positive, really. I think it keeps you sane.

 

Why shouldn't I think I'm gorgeous? Loving myself doesn't hurt anyone. I don't tell myself I'm pretty and other people are ugly.  I don't call myself skinny and decide other people are fat.

 

I also don't rely on other people to tell me these things.  Today I have no idea what I weigh, or what my measurements are. I know that I am 5'6" and happy.  That's all that really matters to me. So my New Year's Resolution is to stay happy, and healthy both physically and mentally so I can help to make this world a better place.

 

 

Stay beautiful.

 

 

Stay strong.

 

Stay silly.

 

 

Happy New Year's Eve, everyone, and don't forget...

Fly with time.

 

Birdy Cover "Tee Shirt"

After rereading The Fault in Our Stars and having the soundtrack on constant replay I decided to do a little cover. 

Xoxo

My Grown Up Christmas List

 

Merry Christmas.  I really mean every word I sing.  I wish everyone had a reason to be happy, and could feel safe and loved every single day.

Cheer up

This time of year is all about happiness and celebration. Yet, so many people feel less than ecstatic around the holidays for plenty of reasons. The holidays are a time to be with family, and having a dysfunctional one is a bummer. Some people are depressed by the weather.
Well, being someone who has been down in the dumps a bit this season, I wanted to list things that make me happy. So whenever I'm upset I can come and reread this list and maybe it will cheer me up. Because regardless of whatever is going on, everyone should be happy.

1.) My cat
2.) Singing
3.) My family
4.) Books
5.) Herbal Tea
6.) Music
7.) The sky at three in the morning
8.) Writing
9.) Yoga
10.) My friends
11.) Quiet snowy nights
12.) Kanye West quotes
13.) My puppy
14.) The Breakfast Club
16.) Harry Potter
17.) Dancing
18.) Chocolate
19.) Hiking
20.) Life

Paper Snowflakes.

 

Tiny people working in the clouds

Throw tiny buckets of snowflakes on the ground.

 

 

 

Unicorns.

I find it curious how people affect you.  Not in a casual way, though.  I mean when someone just affects you.  I’ve met people in my life that just had such energy, that it ate at me if I wasn’t thinking about them.  They’re very rare people, but they don’t leave you even after they're gone from your life. These kinds of people just embed their aura onto yours and it changes you in a way that’s very good.  Some of the people in my life have been so fleeting, some have been by my side for years, and some are honestly fictional characters, but they all have that identifying factor of being so incredibly exciting simply because they exist.

I’m not saying I have seen these people romantically because that’s a different kind of feeling.  I don’t really believe in soul mates because there’s a chance that souls can exist in different lifetimes and fate can mess up and leave you alone forever, so I don’t risk that belief.  I would consider these people as emotionally compatible, maybe?

I just know I can’t be the only person to have these people in my life.  To be so affected by another person in such a platonic, yet almost miraculous way.  It’s strange and incredible. 

They're really the unicorns of human beings.  Their rarity and specialness exists only in your mind and your heart.  To other's they might just be another person, but to you they're magnificent.

 

 

 

This is not much of a blog.  It’s not much of anything, but I like to keep a record of my thoughts.

And it’s silly to live up to expectations that I made for myself about some internet thing that I started for fun.

I just wanted to rant about these unicorns of people in my life.

So I did.

DIY Hot Cocoa Mix Gift

 

 

This gift costs next to nothing to make. Mason jars are really inexpensive at Michael's and odds are you probably have sugar and cocoa in the house.  If not, they're not expensive. (I use organic/raw cacao, but there are other brands that aren't quite as pricey)

 

 

 

What you'll need:

-Mason jar (self-sealing)

-3/4 cups cocoa powder

-1 1/2 cups sugar

-measuring cup

-paper

-ribbon

-hole punch, scissors

-pencil

 

 

 

There are two ways do make this gift.  You can either layer the cocoa and sugar in like I did, or you can pre-mix them.

 

It's important to put the cocoa first because the grains are smaller and don't let the sugar seep past and make the layers look sloppy.  So 3/4 cups cocoa goes into the bottom first.

 

Next is the 1 1/2 cups sugar.  You can also use light brown sugar instead of regular granulated, or a mix of both.

 

On the tag, I put the directions, of course.

 

"1.) Shake the ingredients in the jar until fully mixed. 2.) Heat up 2 1/2 tablespoons and one cup of milk in a small saucepan. 3.) Whisk until completely blended."

 

 

Tie on the tag with a nice ribbon (in my case lace), and label it to the lucky person.

 

All done!

 

 

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