Fly with Time: My New Year's Resolution

When I was thirteen years old, my New Year's Resolution List consisted of two things:

First was to have a boyfriend, and the second was to lose 15 pounds. At that time, I was just developing feminine hips and a chest, and I was utterly horrified. All of my friends wore A cups, bought size zero jeans and had boyfriends on the football team. I was so embarrassed by the fact that I hadn't had my first kiss, was wearing size 5 jeans and in my head, was chunky in the middle.

When I showed a family friend the list I made, they told me I would whither away to nothing if I weighed any less than I did. I was about 5'4" at the time and was around 100 pounds. Going by a generic BMI calculator, I was a little underweight already. Yet, I was still significantly wider than most of my friends, and anyone larger was laughed at and called fat behind their backs. I never wanted to be the kind of person to be laughed at, so I made it a plan to stay skinny and try to get skinnier.

When I was 15 years old, I had my first boyfriend and I was very athletic and thin. I was 5'6" and weighed around 115 pounds. My measurements were 35''25''35'' which, I was told, was the perfect measurements for a women. I thrived for moments when I was told how thin I looked, and I was devastated when that boyfriend of mine would tell me I was looking a little chunkier than usual.

After the wake of my first heartbreak, I was convinced, like most teenage girls, that the world was coming to an end.

Here are a few pictures from that summer.

I really hate these pictures.

This girl was so sad and so reliant on other peoples' opinions to be happy. I remember one time at a synchronized swimming competition, I was very nervous for my performance. My coach came up to me and said "Don't be worried, you look great. You're so skinny." At the time it did give me a little bit of a pep in my step. But the person I am now is disgusted that those were the best words of advice I could've been given, and that I had accepted them as encouragement.

Before my breakup with this boy, I had two really huge competitions in Seattle for a week, and then Hawaii for a week and a half. In Seattle, while sight-seeing, my team and I took tons of happy pictures together, and I looked really excited and glad to be with my friends. This boy wasn't too pleased. He had claimed that I couldn't possibly love him if I was having so much fun without him, so when I went to Hawaii, I made a point to look much less happy, never really smile my fullest, or avoided pictures altogether.

The rest of the summer, I wasted away and became thinner and thinner, and progressively less happy...

By my senior year of high school, I had gained almost 40 pounds. I was not nearly as athletic, I ate too much pasta, and was called fat a lot more, but I was so much happier. I taught myself to love my body, and enjoy my feminine curves that I wished away so many times. I realized that no one should dictate my happiness.

I am so beautiful. Too many people think that's a conceited notion, to think of yourself as pretty, or sexy, or anything positive, really. I think it keeps you sane.

Why shouldn't I think I'm gorgeous? Loving myself doesn't hurt anyone. I don't tell myself I'm pretty and other people are ugly. I don't call myself skinny and decide other people are fat.

I also don't rely on other people to tell me these things. Today I have no idea what I weigh, or what my measurements are. I know that I am 5'6" and happy. That's all that really matters to me. So my New Year's Resolution is to stay happy, and healthy both physically and mentally so I can help to make this world a better place.