What It Really Means To Be Thankful

Every year, most of us gather around a dinner table and fill our gluttonous mouths with decedent foods that Paula Dean would be proud of while secretly hoping that your cousin Sam doesn't start talking about Donald Trump, or you are preparing a comeback for your aunt Molly for when she asks you if you really need to be a vegetarian. Then, more often than not, someone starts the Thankful Circle, and you must go around the table and share what you are thankful for. And almost always, we all stare at each other with moony eyes and say "my family," but what does it really mean to be thankful for anything? Whether you claim it is your health, a new job, or something else, is it a truthful answer to say that you are thankful?

By definition, thankful only means "pleased and relieved." Is that something that we want to feel when describing what means most? Simply relieved? Perhaps this is the case. Maybe sometimes we can only feel relieved that no one fought this year.

However, gratitude means "readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness."
Aren't those words much more soothing to read? Appreciation and kindness are two of the most important things we can feel in our lives. I suggest we stop being thankful for things and start showing gratitude.

I see people every day go into their day and passive-aggressively demand kindnesses be done unto them because they think they deserve it. My advice, if you wish to live a life that is based around love, compassion, and gratitude, then those people can continue to be harsh and ungrateful. Your kindness and appreciation should be spent on those who need it. Seek out those who suffer and show them kindness.

Everyday we have a choice to put forth our best self. Thanksgiving Day is no exception. And I'm not going to go into the whole Black Friday argument, or anything about the actual history of the holiday (because like every holiday in America, it is quite detached from its original meaning). But what I will say is that anything that you eat, shop for, or have already has an origin and we should all respect those origins. Compassion extends far beyond what you have in your daily lives, and these next 48-hours are quite horrid for many living beings on this planet.

As you sit wherever you may sit tonight, keep your heart and your mind open. Express kindness and show gratitude, don't just say you're "please and relived," for your family. Be bold with your love.

Have a very wonderful Thanksgiving!

The Most Embarrassing Thing I Have Ever Done

 In reality, I should probably not put this story out into the internet forever because there’s a fair chance that a future employer may stumble upon my blog and reconsider their decision to hire me (If so, please don’t judge me. It’s a hard life being this weird).

This story I am about to tell you is 100% factual and I wish it wasn’t and I’m probably going to dwell in my own regret once I hit the ‘publish’ button, but the world is so full of hate and awfulness that I think I can handle a little bit of public humiliation if it brightens your day.

So our story begins with seventeen-year-old me on the computer at home in the summer. I’m just hanging out and watching some YouTube videos with cats. You know the usual. I get a call from my mother saying she needs her briefcase ASAP and she doesn’t have time to drive all the way home to get it. She says she’ll meet me halfway in the parking lot of a pool. I was a little annoyed. Dude I was just getting to the good part of the cat video where the cat is being especially cat-like. But hey, I’m newly licensed and an excuse to drive myself somewhere is as good as any. I grab the briefcase and head out to meet her.

On the drive over to the parking lot I realize I have to use the bathroom, but it’s no big deal. I can definitely hold it.

I get to the lot and give my mom her briefcase. I mention that I kind of need to number 2, she tells me I should run in and go to the bathroom. Seems logical enough, but I’m like nah, I can hold it. It’s only like, what, ten minutes back to the house? I’ll be fine.

Thirty seconds into the ride home, my bowels begin to speak to me. Hey, Julia. Yeah um just letting you know that we’re expecting a delivery any time now. I of course ignore the warnings of my grumbling digestive system. It’s just gas, right? I’ll be A-okay. Just five more minutes and we’ll be home.

One minute later things get SO real SO fast. My bowels are like, there’s no time for waiting. You have less than a minute until your poop package is delivered. Get to a toilet. GO GO GO!

So here I am, sweating from every orifice of my body, white-knuckled on the steering wheel, and cursing myself for not just going at the pool building. At this point all laws of driving safety do not apply to me. I am rolling through stop signs and speeding around corners desperately hoping against hope that a target will spring up in the middle of the endless blocks of suburban homes.  

I knew that I had no choice but to pull over. My squirming was seriously impairing my driving. So I did. I pulled my car over six blocks away from my house and had a moment with myself. I knew what that what I was about to do was going to be ugly. I, in that moment, forgave myself in advance for being a failure at functioning like a proper adult.

Then began the hot sweaty scramble to find something, anything, that would soon become my makeshift toilet (Warning: things are about to get kind of graphic).

I had about 4.5 seconds to grab something before things got messy and in my frazzled state, I grabbed a winter glove from the passenger side floor. And there I sat in broad daylight, a grown-ass woman taking a crap into a cheap-knit winter glove. After it was over, I pulled up my pants like a dignified person and found a plastic bag to bury my shame (and ruined glove), and then I cried all the rest of the way home.

I parked in the driveway and began the cleaning of shame. The trip to the outside garbage, trying not to look like I was carrying a diaper-glove, the thorough shower to cleans me from the grief of knowing I was an idiot. Then having to Google how to clean my seat and being pleasantly surprised at the effects of vinegar.

Lesson of the story: Don’t be stupid, just go poo like a normal person.

Again, I may live to highly regret the decision to share this to the world, but life’s short and if this makes you laugh, then I’m cool with looking like a fool. 

Hidden Treasures | Underrated Movies

Here I have compiled a list of movies that I believe everyone should watch in their lives. I even went ahead and categorized them for you (no worries, they're not nearly as bad as Netflix categories). So go forth with this list and enjoy what I have declared my favorite underrated films of the past two decades.

1. A Lot Like Love (2005)
   
   
   (Romantic Comedy)
   By now everyone in the English speaking world knows movies like The Notebook and Titanic. Indeed they are superb chick-flicks, but A Lot Like Love is a rom-com that I have no idea why it never got the same kind of praise as any Nicholas Sparks adaptation ever. It's the predecessor for movies like Friends With Benefits, it's not annoyingly cliche, and it's male-friendly (Ashton Kutcher is everyone's favorite).
   
2. The Double (2013)
   
   
   (Psychological Thriller)
   This movie, although not for everyone, is a really cool film. I would say it's like an indie Fight Club. I rented it because I love Jesse Eisenberg (as you will soon come to realize as you read on) and I have never not liked a movie he was in. Warning: it starts slow, but when you wait for it to pick up, it is wholly engaging and interesting. Also Mia Wasikowska (Alice from Tim Burton's version) is wonderful.
   
3. Adventureland (2009)
   
   
   (Serious Teen Drama)
   Oh, hey. I didn't lie about liking Jesse Eisenberg, did I? Earlier this year I wrote a movie review on American Ultra (click here to read) and I mentioned that Kristen Stewart and Jesse are one of my absolute favorite on screen couples. I hold this movie very dear to my heart for many reasons; one being it is a very real and honest coming-of-age tale. And did I mention Jesse Eisenberg?
   
4. Juno (2007)
   
   
   (Comedy)
   I am fully aware that many many people know and love this movie, but I added it to this list because EVERYONE should know and love it. It's been almost ten years since I first saw this movie and I still quote it daily, and you know what? Because not everyone loves this movie like I do, no one understands the references so I'll make a perfectly normal encounter with a human being really weird because I blurt out "Whoa, dream big!" and everyone thinks I'm just being an ass. So, for the sake of my social well-being, make everyone you know watch Juno.
   
5. Why Stop Now? (2012)
   
   
   (Comedy)
   Yep. Jesse Eisenberg again (are you even surprised?)
   Okay so this movie is something I found in the dark corners of Netflix on a particularly boring afternoon. I was weary about it because you should be when you venture out of the Trending Now section of Netflix, but I thought "Jesse Eisenberg," and hit play. Guys, Jesse does not disappoint ever! I bet if you took your least favorite movie and re-shot it with Jesse, he would save it (anyone else thinking of Jesse as a moody yet wittily sarcastic vampire?).
   Back to the real movie. It is charmingly fun and I would highly suggest it for a good serious comedy.
   
6. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
   
   
   (Comedy)
   Like Juno, I know it has a cult following but for god's sake make it bigger. It's just impossible to not like this movie. I was also Napoleon for Halloween
   
   
   
7. Horns (2013)
   
   
   (Thriller Fantasy)
   So here's a little summary of this movie. Harry Potter lives in Seattle (no vampires, I promise) and people think he killed his missing girlfriend. Well, Harry loses his cool and turns into a satyr.  Okay I'm kidding, but that's actually not a terrible plot summary. This is a kind of thriller/horror/fantasy movie that is not unlike a super hero movie where the protagonist dances on the like of being an anti-hero.
   
8. Scream (1996)
   
   
   (Horror/ Slasher)
   Yes, these movies are popular. I know that. But they are not appreciated like they should be. How sick are you of going to the movies and seeing the same horror film rehashed over and over? Didn't the nineties just do movies right? This is such a fun slasher movie (in a totally non psychopathic way). This past October I watched these movies almost everyday. Sometimes twice...
   
9. LOL (2012)
   
   
   (Romantic Drama)
   I remember when I first discovered this movie, I made everyone watch it with me. No one believed me that it was going to be good because this was right when Miley started cutting her hair and behaving un-Disney.
   You may notice that I like coming-of-age movies and this one is really fun. Miley gives a really sincere performance and I think it is an overall well-done and wholly under-celebrated.
    
10. Stoker (2013)
    
    
    (Weirdest/ Coolest Psychological Thriller Ever)
    I cannot stop thinking about this movie. I went into it thinking it would be an fairly generic horror film about a girl who has a crazy family, but I was so wrong. Yes, there is a crazy family. No, it is not in any way generic at all. I feel like all I want to do is watch this movie over and over. It's definitely a thriller movie and it's pretty disturbing and should come with some serious trigger warnings (graphic violence), but it's the kind of movie that just haunts you. I also have a bit of a crush on Mia Wasikowska's acting in every film she's in.

27 Unique Excuses to Get Out of Anything

Let’s be real, every single one of us has lied to get out of going somewhere and there’s only so many times you can use the, “I’m sorry, I have my cousin’s birthday party,” bit. 

If you want to be the best hermit ever and never have to leave the house again, you have to get creative with your excuses. Without further ado, here is a list of unprecedented and totally believable excuses to give when you just don’t feel like changing out of your pajamas you’ve been wearing all week.

1. I just put my shoes in the washer. I can't go anywhere until they're dry.
   
   
   
2. I have to help my aunt pick out a hamster.
   
   
   
3. I have to help my aunt find her lost hamster.
   
   
   
4. I'm rearranging my bathroom.
   
   
   
5. I'm looking for evidence of extraterrestrial life in Montana through Google Earth.
   
   
   
6. I'm almost done rewatching every episode of Friends for the fifth time and I promised myself I wouldn't quit this time.
   
   
7. I'm helping my friend's cat give birth.
   
   
   
8. I had a nightmare that you killed me and I just really need to recover from that.
   
   
   
9. I'm working on my Ariana Grande whistle notes.
   
   
   
10. I have to alphabetize my colored pencils.
    
    
    
11. I don't want to drive my car. It's too dirty.
    
    
    
12. I'm Skyping a Scottish bicyclist during his trek through town.
    
    
    
13. Someone prank called me so I must find them and Liam-Neeson their ass.
    
    
    
14. I'm sewing a dress made of lint and it's very tricky.
    
    
    
15. I'm designing a line of clothes for feminine guinea pigs.
    
    
    
16. I'm at Ikea for lunch.
    
    
    
17. My pimples hurt too much to go outside.
    
    
    
18. I'm at my beat boxing lesson.
    
    
    
19. I just watched The Fault in Our Stars and I can't stop sobbing.
    
    
    
20. I'm pogo sticking to NYC.
    
    
    
21. My VCR is jammed.
    
    
    
22. I'm learning to give myself goosebumps.
    
    
    
23. I am filming an independent documentary on how 7/11 Nacho Cheese is actually hand crafted by Salem Witches with magic.
    
    
    
24. I'm trimming my eyebrows.
    
    
    
25. My eye just will not stop twitching.
    
    
    
26. I'm dying my hair the exact same shade it is just to see if anything will happen.
    
    
    
27. I'm making a tapestry of the opening shot of The Wolf of Wall Street.
    
    
    

Got A Secret?

As the party died down, Emma and Margaret delved deeper into the candy bowl that was mostly full of butterfingers at this point. Red cups and wrappers littered Margaret’s lush beige couch as the last two of the party-goers waved goodbye to the girls and headed out the door.

“Wanna watch a movie? I think the Halloween marathon is still on,” said Margaret.

“I have something even better,” said Emma, she jumped up excitedly and ran to the other side of the room.

“Hmm? Please, dear lord tell me it’s not more Hocus Pocus,” said Margaret. “That movie has been on all day. I can’t handle you squealing ‘sistahs!’ anymore.”

“No, no. Better,” said Emma pulling out a large black box from her bag.

“Is that a?”

“Ouija!” Emma made a grand gesture opening the board up out of its case.

“No absolutely not, Emma. I won’t”

“Oh come on, miss tough pants. You can watch thirteen hours of Halloween movies, but you can’t play the Ouija board?”

“Nope. I won’t. I shant. I can’t. You cannot make me,” said Margaret crossing her arms.

“If you don’t, I’ll call Andrew and let him know who scratched his car last week in the parking lot.” Emma reached back into her bag and pulled out a phone.

Margaret glared back at Emma for a minute and then sighed, “Fine, but nothings probably even going to happen.”

“Oh contraire! Tonight is Halloween.  The night souls are free to roam the earth. There’s like a nine-hundred percent chance that this will work.”

“Nice science, Emma. Very professional, but I don’t believe in ghosts,” said Margaret.

“Not at all? Not even good ghosts?” said Emma.

“Nope. If I did, I would talk to my mom all the time.” Margaret dropped her gaze and started fidgeting with her knit blanket.

“Oh, crap. I’m sorry, Margaret. I totally spaced. We do not have to do this. I’m being stupid.”

“It’s okay. I was only twelve. We can play, I don’t care.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, let’s get started then,” said Emma. She sat with a thud on the living room floor and started placing the board right in front of her then motioned to Margaret to sit.

Margaret wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and sat cross legged on the other side of the board. “Let’s get started.”

“Just put two fingers on the doo dad,” said Emma.

“Doo dad?” Margaret laughed, “Ah, yes. The doo dad that spirits use to push over the thingy ma-bob”

“Stop! You’ll scare them all away! They don’t like to be disrespected, you know,” said Emma seriously. “Just call it the Eye.”

Margaret rolled her eyes and plopped her two fingers on the Eye and looked to Emma for her next directions.

“Now we wait,” said Emma.

The two sat staring at the board intently, every so often glancing up at each other. Emma closed her eyes and began breathing very deeply as if meditating.

“Maybe if we call out to a spirit,” Emma suggested.

“Sure.”

“Okay… Uhm, is anyone here with us?”

They waited.

“Is there a spirit in this house?”

They waited.

“If there’s a spirit in this house, can you tell us your name?”

They waited. Then the Eye began to move.

“Are you doing that,” said Emma with eyes wide.

“No, Emma. You aren’t fooling me.”

The Eye stopped over an E. Then an S

“E, S… I’m not faking. I’m a sincere person. I don’t pretend things. This is you or it’s real,” said Emma.

The Eye stopped over a T. Then an H. Then an E.

“T, H, E…”

“Emma, that’s not funny,” said Margaret pulling her hand away as it landed on an R and stopped.

“R. E-S-T-H-E-R. Esther?”

“Don’t pretend,” said Margaret hastily.

“I- what? Who’s Esther?”

“You swear you don’t know? You swear you’re not trying to mess with me?”

“Margaret, of course. What is it?”

“Esther was my mom.”

“No, shit,” said Emma horrified. “Do you… think she’s trying to communicate with us?”

“I don’t care. I’m done.” Margaret pulled her knit blanket tighter and scooted away from the board.

“Margaret, she’s trying to talk to you! You have to answer her,” said Emma.

“No.”

The Eye began to move. The girls looked at each other with horror, frozen in place. Both of their hands placed at their sides away from the moving Eye. They watched as it glided along the board.

The Eye stopped at H. Then E. Then L. Then P.

“Oh my god,” said Emma barely louder than a whisper. She looked up to see Margaret staring at the board angrily. “Why would she want help?”

Margaret was silent.

“Margaret, how did she pass?” Emma’s face was full of fear and concern.

“Poison,” Margaret whispered.

“Who did it?”

Margaret looked up from the Eye expressionless, “we don’t know.” There were red splotches all across Margaret’s neck as her eyes began to well up.

The Eye began to move.

Margaret lunged forward and tried to grab the Eye off the board but it wouldn’t budge.

“What are you doing? This is real, Margaret! You can finally know,” Emma grabbed Margaret’s wrists and pulled her nearer. “Let her tell you!”

The Eye began to move and Emma kept Margaret’s wrists in her hands and they both watched shaking.

The Eye stopped at M. Then A. Then R. Then G.

“Emma,” Margaret jerked her wrists out of Emma’s hands and stood up.

The Eye stopped at A. Then R.

“What the hell? What are you doing?”

The Eye stopped at E. Then landed on T and went still.

Emma picked up the Eye with shaking hands, “Margaret?” She turned to face her.

Margaret stood at the doorway with her hands behind her back.

“Margaret… Did you?”

“Yes.”

“Oh my god,” Emma began to cry. “Why? Margaret.”

“You found out one secret too many. I can’t let you know the rest,” she said stretching out her arms in front of her with a long thick kitchen knife in both hands.

“Margaret!” Emma scrambled to her feet.

“I’m sorry,” said Margaret as she lunged toward her friend. 

I Went All Out

Now I bring you my Napoleon Dynamite Dance.
I really feel like I was born to be Napoleon.

Happy Halloween!

Recovering from Horror Movies

As Halloween approaches, you may be feeling the urge to binge on scary movies.  Netflix has all the original Scream movies, Halloween is playing on every channel, and ABC Family is having the 13 Nights of Halloween so why not spook yourself out while you can. The only problem with spending 6 hours on your couch with your eyes glued on the screen is the aftermath of watching a scary movie.

I’ll tell you a story about the time I was watching Scream 4 with my sister and we both heard a noise outside the house. It was truthfully quite a suspicious noise so we called the police.  Now most people aren’t as spastic as my sister and I, but I would be willing to bet that horror movies make us all a little jumpier and unwilling to shut the lights off.

I am not here to tell you to quit watching slasher movies so you don’t have to sleep with a knife at your bedside. Quite the opposite, really. Here are some tips and tricks to help you cope with the effect of horror movies so you can have peaceful dreams.

Sing loudly. Right after you finish your movie marathon and you turn the TV off there’s always that air of fear that something will come popping out to scare you. Fill that silence with loud, awful, hilariously treacherous singing. If someone were to be hiding, that ought to make them want to leave ASAP!

Watch a Christmas Movie. You know, the most wonderful time of the year? Christmas is the exact opposite of Halloween and so are their movies. After watching Halloween 6, I put on Christmas with the Kranks. Then and only then was I brave enough to venture into the kitchen without fear of a masked murderer lurking around the corner.

Chocolate and tea. Not only does chocolate get rid of dementors in Harry Potter, it gets rid of the heebie jeebies.  Let’s be honest, chocolate cures everything. Tea also cures everything especially Chamomile. It has a Xanax-like effect on the body that will just chill you right out. Was that a bump you just heard upstairs? Eh, so be it.

Go Watch THIS. Don’t even question it. Click the link.

Check the Entire House. Grab a weapon (a heavy book will do) and check your whole house for murderers. Once you can confidently determine that no one is in the house all you have to worry about is stalkers outside of your house. Which reminds me… Lock the doors!

Snuggle Animals. Cats, dogs, fish, stuffed. Any pet will do. It’s scientifically proven (using the Julia-Tested methods) that pet snuggles from any type of animal will help you feel better. Plus animals can sense bad things happening. If your dog isn’t barking at the corner, then you’re probably safe from demonic attacks.

Do NOT Take a Shower. Are you crazy? Do you want to be stabbed? I don’t care if you checked that the coast is clear. Shower killings are the RULE not the exception. You might as well peak your head out the door and say “hello?” when you hear a noise. Go back to snuggling puppies; you’re not ready for hygiene yet.

Okay that last one was a little irrelevant and silly, but the rest are serious. So go ahead and enjoy your gore and haunting films!

Thank you for reading and be sure to come back every day until the 31^st for more Halloween related blogs!